Wednesday, October 15, 2014

hi ho hi ho it's off to work I go...

Today, I officially accepted an official job offer. Full time. So official. Tuesdays through Saturdays. Work on a Saturday?? Apparently, that is a thing at adult inpatient psych facilities. And they want me to be a therapist at one here in town. Someone wants to hire me! And pay me money to work! And allow me to accrue hours toward a full license! And allow me to buy real clothes and actually wear them! Finally! Yay! Celebrate!

But, I'm scared. Terrified. Unsure.

How is this going to work?

Who will take care of my kids? Anyone know a good nanny in Yakima? I'm currently on the hunt.

And won't I miss my kids?

Of course, I will miss my kids. Duh.

And they will certainly miss me. Well, Alaina will. Graham is all grown-up and he thinks it is exciting that I will be able to work and that he will sometimes get to have babysitters on Saturdays when Tony also has to work. He's all set. Alaina, on the other hand, NEEDS me. She has to HOLD me several times a day. She's had a fever the past couple of days. As if she knows I am about to ABANDON her. And she still needs to perfect her potty-going skills. How can I leave that up to someone else? I need to be there to clean up the shit and make sure she sits on the pot every hour and be patient when she has accidents and be uplifting and encouraging when she gets it right. The thought of someone else doing all of that FOR me seems absurd. Impossible. Like, literally, not possible.

Actually, come to think of it, teaching Alaina potty-going skills has been a real pain in the ass. The girl loves wearing her new undies, but hates the suggestion of sitting on the pot. She cries about it. Screams NooOOOnooooo potty potty! But then she screams, I want uuuundiiieeess!! She is a conundrum. Maybe paying someone else to help her along with this developmental milestone is just the thing this family needs. Maybe I will come home from work one day and she will have it all figured out and I won't have to go through all that agony with her. Ah, but there's the rub. I sort of WANT to go through the agony with her. That's how relationships are transformed and enhanced and made better...

Motherhood is a conundrum. You can never just have one emotion at a time. Everything has to be a push and pull heart-wrenching situation.

That said, I am going to give this whole job thing a try. Because, if I don't, I will always wonder what it would be like to be out there doing my profession again. I will sit and stew and worry about it. I will feel I've wasted my degree. Nobody wants to feel that, right?

So, wish me luck. This is going to be a crazy new adventure for this family.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go crawl under a blanket forever and pretend to be transported back to my casalinga days in Italy.

Monday, October 6, 2014

it is my birthday

To celebrate, I asked my family to take a little pre-birthday Sunday hike with me.

A born leader.

Then I asked them to let me take several fall photes of them.

My heart melted.

Alaina said, "It's okay, Daddy. I got you."

They obliged.

And the view was spectacular.

There is only one thing left to do on a 32nd birthday. Celebrate. Yay life!