The other day, I cried. And cried. And cried.
I cried because I thought I had stumbled upon the perfect job for myself for the remainder of our time overseas, but discovered that they require a Ph.D., which is something I do not have at this point in my life and probably never will have, because I won't have anything to put on a resume, besides wiping spit-up and clearing mold from the closet. I cried because Tony was on a work trip to Germany on that day, after he'd just returned home from Dakar and Cape Verde, and just before he is leaving for Algeria. He gets to go to exotic places and use his brain and talk to adults while I sit here and fold diapers. I cried because I've forgotten most of what I learned in school and subsequently forgotten who I am other than, "Mom."
It's not unusual for me to go to this dark place and cry over all the things I want, but don't have. I find a way to twist everything into a negative and then cry about it. It's not my favorite part about myself. Definitely not something I like to blog about.
And then Tony came home and I went for a jog around my favorite lake near our house and I saw some ducks and remembered that I saw those same ducks last year around this time before Alaina's existence. Those ducks had ducklings at that time and I cried because I really, achingly wanted to have a baby, but didn't have one at that time. As I was jogging, I remembered this message my good friend, Lauren, who is fortunate enough to receive messages from the universe, sent to me a few days prior to the day that I cried about the job that I can't have:
"A main 'Criterion of Consciousness' for the human experience, Lauren, is never having all you want. For as one dream comes true, another swiftly takes its place. Not having all you want is one of life's constants. And learning to be happy while not yet having all you want is the first 'Criterion of Joy.' Nail it, and for the rest of your life people will be asking what it is about you."
So that's what I'm thinking about during this Mother's Day weekend. Trying to learn to be happy, not simply content or okay, but happy with the fact that I don't currently have a job in the field of mental health, but instead have a job in the field of motherhood. One time, during one of my cry fests, Tony asked me, "Katherine, do you have no respect for stay-at-home moms?" I had to ponder that for a while. Perhaps I didn't. Perhaps that's why I didn't, and still don't always respect myself. And that's the real reason that I cry. This Mother's Day, I am setting a goal. A goal to honor and respect the field of full time motherhood and stop seeking work elsewhere.
I've got all I need right here, right now.